Day 19 POEM: Battles Within

Battles Within
Janel J. Tutak, January 26, 2005

i see the way you are looking at me
like you don't like what it is you see
noses turned up, you walk on by
turning away so you miss me cry

(but you forget one thing)

this is me, the way i am
i cannot change
so i don't give a damn
if you think i'm strange

i hear the way you whisper about me
the things you don't like, how you disagree
dirty looks as you walk on by
to say i don't notice is a lie

(but i tell myself one thing)

this is me, the way i was born
perhaps you are unaware
that though you look in scorn
i don't have to care

i taste the bitterness you spit at me
but there is one thing i'll guarantee
even though you will walk on by
i don't even care why

(because there's that one thing)

this is me, the way i'm gonna be
and it's about time you knew
that i'm going to always be me
if you don't like it then fuck you

--

Hey! There's that F-Bomb again. Apologies folks. I feel like though the poem sends a strong message, it isn't entirely necessary this time. I mean the sentiments are correct, if someone doesn't like you, doesn't approve of you, treats you poorly, tries to walk all over you.... well fuck 'em. I just felt like a different ending would be more appropriate, different phrasing, then my 18 year old self might have chosen. Although, depending on the day, I could totally agree with the usage of the F-Bomb.
It is unfortunate that there are people in the world intent on ripping people apart. These people might be strangers, friends or even worse, family. They are skilled enough at first to make you second guess yourself, to try to create a doubt that you are doing the right thing, you are worth it etc. Eventually you will discover that their personality is just a black hole of self importance and unhappiness. Don't get sucked in. Being comfortable with yourself is a very valuable tool. Be confident that your hobbies, your quirks, your parenting, your employment, your life - they are what makes you you. Be ok with you. Love yourself. Don't put up with the shit people will put out there. 

Post 9 POEM: Screwed Twice

Screwed Twice
Janel J. Tutak, circa March 22, 2005

I was vulnerable, and you were strong
You saw the ease, and took me on
Moved right in, and touched my soul
I was shy, you took control
Placed your lips on top of mine
It felt so sweet, I couldn’t decline
I felt your hands on my face
Then felt them move to a different place
Slide up my shirt, and undid my bra
You seemed pleased with what you saw
Your mouth found me, it was wet
I pulled away, afraid of regret
But you said your feelings were real
I must admit, it seemed surreal
You continued, once I gave in
Took off my pants, and touched within
You pushed me back, and got on top
It felt so good, didn’t want you to stop
Afterwards you kissed me goodbye
A smile on my face, I felt high
But you figured once was suffice
You went back to her and fucked me twice 

--

Ooops! Sorry about the language. But I came across this poem on my old site. Assumabley it was written in 2005. Ahh 19 year old Janel. Yup. There was bound to be an F-bomb at some point! Not entirely sure which loser inspired this poem but I really enjoyed the poem. Bam! Emotion. In your face. Excellent. Love it. Life is like that sometimes. It happens. World moves on. Glad I captured this before moving on myself.