Day 1 POEM: Another Fight

Another Fight
Janel J. Tutak, circa 1999

another fight with daddy we scream, he yells, i cry
another fight with daddy oh how i want to die
another fight with dad and i can not take much more
another fight with dad i slam my bedroom door
another fight with father we just don't get along
another fight with father he still thinks he isn't wrong
another fight with Tim his voice ringing in my ears
another fight with Tim ending in more tears
another fight with him and another day does by
another fight with him my eyes are never dry
another fight with that man and still i cannot see
another fight with that man why does he hate me

--

This poem was written one night while I lay in bed crying and upset. I needed something, anything to get out the feelings thundering around in my head. This one is probably one of my favourite poems with a bittersweet reason. After I scribbled it out on lined paper, I remember showing it to my mum. The one parent who always made me feel better, safe and loved. As a parent now, I can't imagine how she must have felt to see such emotion from her child and know there was nothing she could do to help. Although, always in my corner, she did try to help. She showed the poem to my (now estranged) father. This was before he has truly subsided to the dark side and there was a glimmer of human still residing in his heart. The poem spoke to him and for an instant he wanted to be better in the way you do, without actually wanting to do something about it. So he folded it up and put it in his wallet. I probably had another copy of it, or maybe not. Who knows. All I know is later on, years later, when they had separated and he was trying to play with my emotions, trying to continue the charade of wanting to be better and be a real father, he told me about it. Pulled out the wallet and showed me the folded copy. I borrowed it to jot it down. At the time thinking, well, exactly what he wanted me to think, that it meant he still cared for me. And perhaps it was a sign of the good that did/could be a part of him. Perhaps it was him caring in the only way he was capable of caring. Perhaps it was just an elaborate ploy. Who knows. Obviously, the dark won over and that is why he is no longer in my life. But I still have this poetic reminder that words can be powerful. We must never stop sharing them, you never know who they will speak to.

National Poetry Month Pledge

Sometimes when you are a parent days blend in together, weeks and months are part of a fog of diaper changes, meals, bedtime stories, tantrums, forts and songs. Suddenly I look at my calender and I see it is no longer March but near the end of April. April... besides my mum's birthday, there is something else significant with that month, if I only could remember.... Ah yes.
National Poetry Month.
My love for writing poetry was the fuel that fed my love for writing when I was younger. If only I had kept it up a little more, although, perhaps adolescent angst is truly some of the best muses for poetry. Ah well.
In honour of what could have been one poem posted everyday for a month, I will still give you, my reader, a little throwback from my treasury. For 30 days, I will post one of my poems for your reading pleasure.

Life Would Be A Dream

Nap time! In other words free time. Although usually I myself partake in the napping. I am actually laying in our king size bed with my daughter beside me. Listening to her breathing on repeat. Remembering the sound and the bliss. Hard to believe Summer is almost upon is and after that she starts school. Junior Kindergarten. I swallow the heartburn threatening to erupt over this thought. My little baby only not so little. "Just call me big girl" she loves to remind me. She's not my baby anymore. I try to explain she will always be but she's too independent and head strong to listen. May God have mercy on her teachers. Teachers. Dear God, how has time passed so quickly that she will be going to school. And all day, five days a week? It seems crazy. She is still little. I will miss having her around all day. I know it will be good for her. She will have a blast.
I am looking forward to the time it will give my son and I to spend time, just the two of us. Soon she will out grow the napping with mummy and he will snuggle in. Too big for the crib. To quote Roberta "No matter what I do they just keep getting bigger!" (10 points if you get that reference).
And as this time is passing, I haven't written. Henry will be two soon. And I last wrote pregnant. Horrible. I need to do it more. Take the time. I will. I must.

Back Again

Hello darkness my old friend
I've come to talk to you again...
Not that I'm calling you personally dark. I just mean, Damn it's been a long time. And I know that's all on me (it is my blog after all). Just sometimes life gets so lifey and suddenly so much time has passed. But I have been flirting with the idea of writing again. It just has to be done. I miss it. And I was farting around on pinterest  (as you do) when I stumbled upon this quote by Jodi Picoult. And it spoke to me. So here I am.
I mean truth be told, there isn't much to write at the moment. My oldest is jumping up and down on my bed, crying because she needs yet another snack before bed. The procrastination queen has given birth to the procrastination princess haha. So my mind is doing that dog hearing a high pitched voice sound and I can't really even think. But in the words of the Terminator, "I'll be back."

Happy New Year!

I know... I know... it's been forever since I've been on here! As an author, you'd think I be on here writing all the time. But the truth is lately I haven't been motivated to. My hectic life got more hectic.
My beautiful daughter is now 16 months old and getting into everything. She is so adventurous and enjoys testing the limits and exploring. Chasing after her is a full time job and now I'm waddling! I'm 18 weeks pregnant with our second child, and this pregnancy has not been as easy as the last. I've been having lots of pelvic pressure thanks to how low I am caring baby #2. I've got back aches and cramps and I'm not even half way! I felt my cervix before Christmas (because I'm a worrying weirdo) and was afraid I was going into preterm labour... this did not help as it was so soft and I could fit my finger tip in it. Don't worry I won't do it again, we went to the urgent care, because thanks to an ice storm, I couldn't get a hold of my OB or my family dr. They sent me for an emergency ultrasound that was labeled as "possible abortion" on the requisition form. They only place that could get me in on December 23rd was a ultrasound clinic in a strip mall in Whitby. We knew looking at it, it was sketchy but we wanted to make sure our baby was ok. Well despite me telling the technician a few times we did not want to know the sex of the baby when asked... he decided to ruin the surprise by ending the ultrasound with, "By the way it's a boy". Are you kidding me?
When I told Rod what happened, (leaving out the gender), he went back to ask him why he would tell me. And he denied it?! Unbelievable. But by Christmas day, Rod's curiosity got the better of him and told me he did in fact want to know too.
We still don't even know if everything is ok though, I have to wait for the Dr at the urgent care who ordered the ultrasound to call me to get the results, and with the holidays, I've been told it could take a while. In the meantime, I need to try to relax as much as possible and keep my feet up. Whilst chasing my 16 months old! GOOD LUCK!
Anyway, I don't make New Years resolutions because it only lasts for a few days and then are forgotten. But I am hoping to start writing more. I hope everyone has a safe and happy holiday, and I wish you all the best for 2014.

I owe you an update!

Tomorrow is my second tv appearance, and I thought, geez I don't even think I gave an update after my first one.

So daytime Durham went great! Dena, the host was super friendly, as was her producer Sandi. I was nervous before going on but it wasn't too bad once we started. The link for those who want to watch it is on my website, but here you are!

Then I had my book signing on Sunday, which also was fantastic! I have such an amazing group of friends and family who came out to support me. I sold 22 copies of my book and together with other donations, raised $100 for the Denise House. I also had members of the congregation request me to be there next Sunday so they could buy copies. So that's amazing!

I really appreciate everyone's support for myself and the Denise House. I'll try to post tomorrow with an update after being on Talk Durham!

Lights... Camera... Action UPDATE

Just an update about my TV appearances, I can't believe they are coming up. Two more sleeps till I'll be on daytime Durham. I know there may be some people that aren't local that might be interested in watching them. You can watch daytime Durham online at http://www.rogerstv.com/page.aspx?lid=237&rid=2&sid=2325 which airs this Thursday, October 3rd at 11:00a.m. EST, or watch on Rogers TV Channel 10 or 63. This will be a 5 - 10 minute segment. 

Then a week tomorrow I will be on Talk Durham. This is also available online, at http://www.rogersondemand.com/tvshows/talk_durham and airs Wednesday, October 9th at 7:00p.m. EST on the same channel but I will be on for 30 minutes! A whole 30 minutes. Two of the workers from the Denise House will be on the show speaking about spousal abuse for the first 30 minutes. Then I'll be on solo. EEP!!! It's so exciting though.

I am so very thankful for the producers and everyone at daytime Durham and Talk Durham for helping me raise awareness.

On another note, I'd also like to thank my mum, grandma, and sister who helped me make about 150 purple awareness ribbons for my book signing event this Sunday.