Day 18 POEM: Bliss

Bliss
Janel J. Tutak, July 20, 2013

Oh how I must paint

the image of perfection before me

I watch the sweet slumber,

the whisper of her breathing,

the scent of soft skin and dreams

She stirs ever so slightly 

and I hold my breath 

so as not to disturb her

Time stands still

Oh how I could watch

the tiny angel that is

my daughter

forever. 

--

Keeping with my theme yesterday of a poem written for my children, here is another one. This is a repost, I posted this the day I wrote it but I really liked it so you get it again, or maybe you didn't read it the first time around.  Bella would have been just under a year then. The same poem could be written with "he" and "him" with "son" at the end, he just wasn't born yet. 

I also wanted to add a full disclosure that yesterday's post about how I spent my Mother's Day and what not is not meant to be judgmental. If you didn't have to cook dinner, if you didn't have your kids with you because you took the day off from entertaining or doing things for other people, if you spent the whole day seeing mothers and mother in laws, whatever you did, I hope you enjoyed it. The Mommy Wars has gotten crazy and people are meant to feel guilty for their choice of feeding, sleeping, diapering, the list goes on. Is your child safe? Fed? Clothed? That is all that matters. As one of my close friends says, "You Do You". I just wanted to clarify that. There is no wrong way to eat a Reeses, or spend a Mother's Day. 

 

Day 17 POEM: My Breath

My Breath
Janel J. Tutak, May 3, 2015

They whisper beauty with each breath
Inhale.
Exhale.
I am trapped in the blissful moment
How long have I been standing?
Forever is too short
Inhale.
Exhale.
Painting the memories that bind my heart
and make me whole
I never want to move
Time passes all too quick
and yet freezes while
Inhale.
Exhale.
I watch my children sleep

--

It seemed only too fitting after Mother's Day to post a poem I wrote about my children. It still is an odd concept to me to celebrate Mother's Day for myself. But yesterday, my husband was working all day and we were not seeing our families, so it really was just me and my kids and it left me with no choice to focus on me as a mother and what that means. 
Not gonna lie, at first I was grumpy with the thought of having to make dinner like I do every single day. I looked into ordering Swiss Chalet, a tradition my family had done for year, but alas, I live too far from the nearest restaurant for them to send me food. Fair enough. We will get to dinner later.
My plans were to do some things with the kids we both could enjoy. We had picked out and planted some flowers together the day before, but I still needed hanging baskets to go over my garage. The plan was to walk to the Home Hardware and grab some. The plan... sadly we didn't make it before naptime and then it rained. Oh well, at least we did the others the day before.
The other plan was to do our Mother's Day craft, a tradition that I started the first Mother's Day after Bella was born. Salt dough with my hand print, then theirs in mine, with the year and their name at the top. A sweet keepsake for me and something I could cherish forever. After they had baked and cooled, I painted them and let them dry. Afterwards I carried them upstairs to compare them with the previous years, like I do every year, marveling over the change in their hand growth... Only to find with horror and heartbreak that each of their first Mother's Day crafts (2013 for Bella, 2014 for Henry) were broken. Bella's was mostly around the outside so while upsetting, I could still see her hand. But Henry's hand was in pieces of blue paint and dough. To say I was I was devastated is an understatement. I cried, I wept, I sobbed. I tried to piece them together as best I could and took picture of these precious mementos. And then I cried, I wept, I sobbed again. So much so, I gave myself a headache. I believe the term is 'Ugly Cry'. 
I would like to address the fact that in the grand scheme, I am aware that it is not the be all end all, but after discussing it with my Mom Group, I felt better knowing they too would be upset and I was not overreacting, as I had once thought. I was embarrassed that this thing, this keepsake had grieved me so much. But I am not anymore. I am beyond upset (I am going to try to glue it together today, then bubble wrap them all and lock them in a fireproof safe). But I am not embarrassed for being attached to something that reminds me how precious life is and how quickly it moves. 
My children are 2 and 3 & 3/4. Our days wiz past and I am doing my best to do everything all the time. Hell, I did 4 loads of laundry and watered the new sod we put in, on top of all the regular motherly duties yesterday. Meals were made, diapers changed, butts wiped, noses blown, songs sang, books read, games played.... and it is hard sometimes to take a step back and look around. But this poem I wrote last year reminds us what a privilege it is to enjoy them sleeping, to enjoy the moments we have with them. The cracked keepsakes reminded me how fragile life is, and how quickly it can be gone.
So on Mother's Day for dinner I made spaghetti, not because it was my choice or even a particular favourite of mine, but because it is their favourite. I knew it would make them happy, and as their mum, that is all I really want in life. To watch their sweet, messy faces smiling at me. I am truly blessed to be their mum and that is what Mother's Day means to me. 
 

Day 2 POEM: No Better Friend

No Better Friend
Janel J. Tutak, October 11, 2006

There’s no better friend than a sister

For she’s there when you need her for sure
She’s not going to talk behind your back
You know what you tell her is secure

There’s no better friend than a sister
With her your closet doubles in size
You can swap and trade wardrobes
Though asking first is always wise.

There’s no better friend than a sister
Instant messaging the things you think
She’s always on the same page as you
Because you share that special link

There’s no better friend than a sister
She understanding and empathetic too
Chances are she’s the one to talk to
Because she went through with you

There’s no better friend than a sister
A relationship that will never end
Through thick and thin, she’ll be there
Because she’s your very best friend

There’s no better friend than my sister
We’re the oddest pair might I say
But that’s just the way we are
And I wouldn’t have it any other way

--

This poem was written for my sister as a 16th birthday present. For those who have read Honey, I'm Home and seen the dedication, you know that my sister has always been one of my strongest supporters. And I am lucky enough to say this is still the case. She is still encouraging me to write and actually was the one who gave me the idea for the 30 day poetry posts. Right now she is writing her own blog. Everyday, 5 days a week she is sharing a part of a story she is currently writing just for fun. (Check it out here: http://britanylefay.wix.com/thepowerofthree#!blog/vrbdd) The thought of sharing posts regularly with purpose made me think I wanted to do that as well. I was also hoping it would help me get back into writing more. So as I was going over my poems and trying to select which I would share next, this one seemed perfect. Yesterday, my daughter had her first dance recital, and my anxiety was in full force. I hadn't slept enough the night before, which never helps things in that respect. So we got there and I dropped her off with her class to await the rest of my family's arrival to pass out the tickets. The emotions mixed with anxiety was become too much and I could feel a panic attack coming on. When my mum and sister arrived I burst out into tears. While we were all seated, eagerly waiting for the performance, my sister grabbed my hands and started rubbing it to distract and soothe me. I can not tell you how many times she has been there to talk me down, help me or just to listen. There still is no better friend than my sister. I am so lucky to have her.

Happy New Year!

I know... I know... it's been forever since I've been on here! As an author, you'd think I be on here writing all the time. But the truth is lately I haven't been motivated to. My hectic life got more hectic.
My beautiful daughter is now 16 months old and getting into everything. She is so adventurous and enjoys testing the limits and exploring. Chasing after her is a full time job and now I'm waddling! I'm 18 weeks pregnant with our second child, and this pregnancy has not been as easy as the last. I've been having lots of pelvic pressure thanks to how low I am caring baby #2. I've got back aches and cramps and I'm not even half way! I felt my cervix before Christmas (because I'm a worrying weirdo) and was afraid I was going into preterm labour... this did not help as it was so soft and I could fit my finger tip in it. Don't worry I won't do it again, we went to the urgent care, because thanks to an ice storm, I couldn't get a hold of my OB or my family dr. They sent me for an emergency ultrasound that was labeled as "possible abortion" on the requisition form. They only place that could get me in on December 23rd was a ultrasound clinic in a strip mall in Whitby. We knew looking at it, it was sketchy but we wanted to make sure our baby was ok. Well despite me telling the technician a few times we did not want to know the sex of the baby when asked... he decided to ruin the surprise by ending the ultrasound with, "By the way it's a boy". Are you kidding me?
When I told Rod what happened, (leaving out the gender), he went back to ask him why he would tell me. And he denied it?! Unbelievable. But by Christmas day, Rod's curiosity got the better of him and told me he did in fact want to know too.
We still don't even know if everything is ok though, I have to wait for the Dr at the urgent care who ordered the ultrasound to call me to get the results, and with the holidays, I've been told it could take a while. In the meantime, I need to try to relax as much as possible and keep my feet up. Whilst chasing my 16 months old! GOOD LUCK!
Anyway, I don't make New Years resolutions because it only lasts for a few days and then are forgotten. But I am hoping to start writing more. I hope everyone has a safe and happy holiday, and I wish you all the best for 2014.

Event Planning - Part 4

Ok first off I would like to apologize as it has been far too long since I have posted. I could give you tons of excuses but I will just be straight to the point is saying: Life Gets In The Way.

Now that we have moved past that, the date for my book signing has been set! Sunday, October 6th 2013 from 12:00p.m. till 2:00p.m. at Kingsview United Church in Oshawa!

I've made flyers and will be getting them printed today! And I'm going to have purple ribbons for people to wear, and I think purple balloons.

I'm getting nervous. I hope there is a good turn out, I really hope we can raise money for The Denise House.

There is more to say but my daughter just woke up, and well Life Gets In The Way!

Bliss (a poem)

Oh how I must paint

the image of perfection before me

I watch the sweet slumber,

the whisper of her breathing,

the scent of soft skin and dreams

She stirs ever so slightly 

and I hold my breath 

so as not to disturb her

Time stands still

Oh how I could watch

the tiny angel that is

my daughter
forever.