Day 20 POEM: Sailing on Open Love

Sailing on Open Love
Janel J. Tutak, before 2012

he blows warm breath in my sails
soft against them, and we glide across clear water.
i am here by invitation,
sent to me on the cry of a seagull.
when he laughs, the speed picks up
the sun is brighter
and my smile is too.
i am having fun
here on the open sea
while he blows breath into my sails
and a glide in a boat of love.

--

The date of this one is unknown. The document on my computer was dated April 17, 2012. However, there are a few poems with that date, which leads me to believe they were copied from a notebook into my computer. If I had to guess, I'd say it was written for my husband because he loves being on the water, whether or not it was written before he was my husband is a mystery. Yesterday was the 5 year anniversary of the date he proposed to me so when I came across this one in my rereading of my poetry, it seemed like a nice one to share with you today.

Day 18 POEM: Bliss

Bliss
Janel J. Tutak, July 20, 2013

Oh how I must paint

the image of perfection before me

I watch the sweet slumber,

the whisper of her breathing,

the scent of soft skin and dreams

She stirs ever so slightly 

and I hold my breath 

so as not to disturb her

Time stands still

Oh how I could watch

the tiny angel that is

my daughter

forever. 

--

Keeping with my theme yesterday of a poem written for my children, here is another one. This is a repost, I posted this the day I wrote it but I really liked it so you get it again, or maybe you didn't read it the first time around.  Bella would have been just under a year then. The same poem could be written with "he" and "him" with "son" at the end, he just wasn't born yet. 

I also wanted to add a full disclosure that yesterday's post about how I spent my Mother's Day and what not is not meant to be judgmental. If you didn't have to cook dinner, if you didn't have your kids with you because you took the day off from entertaining or doing things for other people, if you spent the whole day seeing mothers and mother in laws, whatever you did, I hope you enjoyed it. The Mommy Wars has gotten crazy and people are meant to feel guilty for their choice of feeding, sleeping, diapering, the list goes on. Is your child safe? Fed? Clothed? That is all that matters. As one of my close friends says, "You Do You". I just wanted to clarify that. There is no wrong way to eat a Reeses, or spend a Mother's Day. 

 

Day 17 POEM: My Breath

My Breath
Janel J. Tutak, May 3, 2015

They whisper beauty with each breath
Inhale.
Exhale.
I am trapped in the blissful moment
How long have I been standing?
Forever is too short
Inhale.
Exhale.
Painting the memories that bind my heart
and make me whole
I never want to move
Time passes all too quick
and yet freezes while
Inhale.
Exhale.
I watch my children sleep

--

It seemed only too fitting after Mother's Day to post a poem I wrote about my children. It still is an odd concept to me to celebrate Mother's Day for myself. But yesterday, my husband was working all day and we were not seeing our families, so it really was just me and my kids and it left me with no choice to focus on me as a mother and what that means. 
Not gonna lie, at first I was grumpy with the thought of having to make dinner like I do every single day. I looked into ordering Swiss Chalet, a tradition my family had done for year, but alas, I live too far from the nearest restaurant for them to send me food. Fair enough. We will get to dinner later.
My plans were to do some things with the kids we both could enjoy. We had picked out and planted some flowers together the day before, but I still needed hanging baskets to go over my garage. The plan was to walk to the Home Hardware and grab some. The plan... sadly we didn't make it before naptime and then it rained. Oh well, at least we did the others the day before.
The other plan was to do our Mother's Day craft, a tradition that I started the first Mother's Day after Bella was born. Salt dough with my hand print, then theirs in mine, with the year and their name at the top. A sweet keepsake for me and something I could cherish forever. After they had baked and cooled, I painted them and let them dry. Afterwards I carried them upstairs to compare them with the previous years, like I do every year, marveling over the change in their hand growth... Only to find with horror and heartbreak that each of their first Mother's Day crafts (2013 for Bella, 2014 for Henry) were broken. Bella's was mostly around the outside so while upsetting, I could still see her hand. But Henry's hand was in pieces of blue paint and dough. To say I was I was devastated is an understatement. I cried, I wept, I sobbed. I tried to piece them together as best I could and took picture of these precious mementos. And then I cried, I wept, I sobbed again. So much so, I gave myself a headache. I believe the term is 'Ugly Cry'. 
I would like to address the fact that in the grand scheme, I am aware that it is not the be all end all, but after discussing it with my Mom Group, I felt better knowing they too would be upset and I was not overreacting, as I had once thought. I was embarrassed that this thing, this keepsake had grieved me so much. But I am not anymore. I am beyond upset (I am going to try to glue it together today, then bubble wrap them all and lock them in a fireproof safe). But I am not embarrassed for being attached to something that reminds me how precious life is and how quickly it moves. 
My children are 2 and 3 & 3/4. Our days wiz past and I am doing my best to do everything all the time. Hell, I did 4 loads of laundry and watered the new sod we put in, on top of all the regular motherly duties yesterday. Meals were made, diapers changed, butts wiped, noses blown, songs sang, books read, games played.... and it is hard sometimes to take a step back and look around. But this poem I wrote last year reminds us what a privilege it is to enjoy them sleeping, to enjoy the moments we have with them. The cracked keepsakes reminded me how fragile life is, and how quickly it can be gone.
So on Mother's Day for dinner I made spaghetti, not because it was my choice or even a particular favourite of mine, but because it is their favourite. I knew it would make them happy, and as their mum, that is all I really want in life. To watch their sweet, messy faces smiling at me. I am truly blessed to be their mum and that is what Mother's Day means to me. 
 

Day 13 POEM: Your Smile

Your Smile
Janel J. Tutak, November 17, 2004

I’d wait forever just to see you smile
Because your smile lights up my day
Even if it is a rainy one
Your smile is the sun
That dries up all the rain
And it makes me happy
Don’t frown
And don’t be sad
Without your smile
Where would I be?
I’d be
Without my sun.

--
Today is my son's 2nd birthday. I can't tell you the mixed emotions wrapped up in this movement, like his hand used to do with my finger. Obviously this poem was written before I had kids. But it doesn't have to be about the love of a partner. My children are my sun. Without them, I don't know what I would do. And it is true, their smile is a sure way to brighten up my day. A perfect moment, feeling in my life. Even a naughty smile of "haha mum look what I am doing!" makes me smile, even when I should be using my poker face. And now as I go hide in the corner blubbering and sneaking glimpses of my children napping, playing, eating, living... please do the same with yours. Life is precious, they are precious. They are our sunshine. Happy Birthday Henry.

Day 8 POEM: Love Letter

Love Letter
Janel J. Tutak, March 27, 2005

a simple letter,
filled with words
of love and passion
the phrases,
symbols of endearment
spill onto the pages.
it is impossible to put down,
hard to resist the happiness.
page after page
is romance at it’s best.
delicious emotions create a kiss
for the eyes of the reader.

--

Something simple today. I've been feeling very in love lately. I mean, of course, I always love my husband. I'm talking of love of everything. My kids. My family. My life. The weather. My house. I am very thankful. I came across this poem and it just spoke to me. No real deep explanation today. Although, I do remember at this time, I was enjoying the idea of the title of a poem being the subject matter without coming out and saying it in the actual poem. Anyway, I hope you enjoy!


P.S. Don't forget, even though today is the last day of April, National Poetry Month, I had a late start, so you will still get 22 more posts for this 30 Days of Poetry pledge!