Dave's Not Here Man

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Recently it became possible to have a blog on my website provider so I have moved Veni, Vidi, Scripsi over to my site so everything is now all in one convenient place! If you are looking to continue reading my post, please look no further than www.janeljtutak.com
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Day 23 POEM: Falling

Falling
Janel J. Tutak, March 21, 2005

once again
i've spotted a pretty eyed boy
and i can't resist his warm embrace
he speaks to me, soft words of poetry
flowing off his singing voice
and i'm falling

something in my heart dances to the sound
and i'm so sure it's love
he tells me what i want to hear
as he whispers softly as he kisses my neck
and i'm falling

so i give him what he wants
because i love him today
and he says he loves me too
but he won't hold me close as i cry
and i'm falling

something in my heart weeps to the sound
and i'm alone again
he's pulled away
left me, and i'm so hurt
and i'm falling

once again
he's singing the words of sweet poetic lines
and holding close in a warm embrace
all those thing that he gave to me
he's giving to someone else
and she's falling

--

They say that the English language is one of the hardest languages to learn. One of the reasons being that many words have different means though spelt the same. Falling for instance. In this poem it means falling in love as well as falling down. Ok, I know it's not the same thing as read and read. But you get my point. It's actually one of the reasons I like this poem, because of the different meanings.

Day 22 POEM: Sometimes I Forget

Sometimes I Forget
Janel J. Tutak, January 27, 2005

If just for a moment
I could share with you how I feel
Wrap my arms around you
And lose myself in your scent

Yesterday I laughed with you
Sharing a funny moment,
We shared more than that

Today smiles seem so perfect
And nothing can going wrong
Or can it?

Did I forget
That perhaps
You don’t feel the same
Perhaps it’s just a dream
A crazy dream of mine

Up and down I seem to go
You take me higher
And then my mind jumps in
And I sink down

Because maybe I forgot
That perhaps
You don’t feel the same
Perhaps it’s just a dream
A crazy dream of mine

If for just a moment
You could share with me how you feel
Wrap your arms around me
I’ll get lost in your scent

Yesterday you were
On the same page as me
Reading along beside one another

Today we closed the book
And now I’m asking
What was the ending?

Because maybe I forgot

--

As you can see, if you've been following along, teenage heartbreak was a big theme in my poetry. I came across this one and I just liked it. I'd like to say the later time post meant I slept in this morning, sadly that is not the case. I was just busy with the kids. Now they are watching the Land Before Time so I had a chance to do some writing. Speaking of which, I just wanted to give everyone a head's up. I belong to a mom group online and a few of us have been talking about writing. I am starting a writer's circle type of thing with them but I will also be posting it on here for anyone else interested in some fun creative activities. So many times now I have stories on the go and get stuck so I don't write because I can't get past it. But then because, that's what I am currently working on, I don't write. And it's harder to get back into it when you aren't doing it regularly. These exercises are going to help that. It's just a prompt to keep writing regularly on something other than what your current project is. But that's the best part about writing, you never know where something is going to take you. A silly exercise could turn into a bestseller. Starting Monday, I will be posting a weekly writing exersise. If you are interested, do the exercise, if you want to share what you write, please do.

Day 21 POEM: Tears

Tears
Janel J. Tutak, before 2012 

when sorrow hits the faint at heart
we paint the world with tears.
but to shed a tear is never just,
to the one you're crying for.
not enough.. or way too much..
we can't find a middle

--

Another unknown dated poem saved on my computer on April 17, 2012. 
As an emotional person, I am in the frequent flyers club with tears. I cry when I'm hurt. I cry when I'm angry. I cry when I'm sad. When I'm happy. When I'm scared. When I'm frustrated. I cry when I'm anxious. Lately I feel like I cry all the time. I don't, but it happens. 
And so, I share this poem with you. I know sometimes people say all you need is a good cry, and I suppose that's true. But sometimes crying doesn't do anything but give you a big ol' headache. I mean, I'm not going to stop crying when I feel like it. I'm a big advocate of not keeping your feelings locked up. Sometimes I just wish there was an easy fix for things. Or an easy answer.  
 

Day 20 POEM: Sailing on Open Love

Sailing on Open Love
Janel J. Tutak, before 2012

he blows warm breath in my sails
soft against them, and we glide across clear water.
i am here by invitation,
sent to me on the cry of a seagull.
when he laughs, the speed picks up
the sun is brighter
and my smile is too.
i am having fun
here on the open sea
while he blows breath into my sails
and a glide in a boat of love.

--

The date of this one is unknown. The document on my computer was dated April 17, 2012. However, there are a few poems with that date, which leads me to believe they were copied from a notebook into my computer. If I had to guess, I'd say it was written for my husband because he loves being on the water, whether or not it was written before he was my husband is a mystery. Yesterday was the 5 year anniversary of the date he proposed to me so when I came across this one in my rereading of my poetry, it seemed like a nice one to share with you today.

Day 19 POEM: Battles Within

Battles Within
Janel J. Tutak, January 26, 2005

i see the way you are looking at me
like you don't like what it is you see
noses turned up, you walk on by
turning away so you miss me cry

(but you forget one thing)

this is me, the way i am
i cannot change
so i don't give a damn
if you think i'm strange

i hear the way you whisper about me
the things you don't like, how you disagree
dirty looks as you walk on by
to say i don't notice is a lie

(but i tell myself one thing)

this is me, the way i was born
perhaps you are unaware
that though you look in scorn
i don't have to care

i taste the bitterness you spit at me
but there is one thing i'll guarantee
even though you will walk on by
i don't even care why

(because there's that one thing)

this is me, the way i'm gonna be
and it's about time you knew
that i'm going to always be me
if you don't like it then fuck you

--

Hey! There's that F-Bomb again. Apologies folks. I feel like though the poem sends a strong message, it isn't entirely necessary this time. I mean the sentiments are correct, if someone doesn't like you, doesn't approve of you, treats you poorly, tries to walk all over you.... well fuck 'em. I just felt like a different ending would be more appropriate, different phrasing, then my 18 year old self might have chosen. Although, depending on the day, I could totally agree with the usage of the F-Bomb.
It is unfortunate that there are people in the world intent on ripping people apart. These people might be strangers, friends or even worse, family. They are skilled enough at first to make you second guess yourself, to try to create a doubt that you are doing the right thing, you are worth it etc. Eventually you will discover that their personality is just a black hole of self importance and unhappiness. Don't get sucked in. Being comfortable with yourself is a very valuable tool. Be confident that your hobbies, your quirks, your parenting, your employment, your life - they are what makes you you. Be ok with you. Love yourself. Don't put up with the shit people will put out there. 

Day 18 POEM: Bliss

Bliss
Janel J. Tutak, July 20, 2013

Oh how I must paint

the image of perfection before me

I watch the sweet slumber,

the whisper of her breathing,

the scent of soft skin and dreams

She stirs ever so slightly 

and I hold my breath 

so as not to disturb her

Time stands still

Oh how I could watch

the tiny angel that is

my daughter

forever. 

--

Keeping with my theme yesterday of a poem written for my children, here is another one. This is a repost, I posted this the day I wrote it but I really liked it so you get it again, or maybe you didn't read it the first time around.  Bella would have been just under a year then. The same poem could be written with "he" and "him" with "son" at the end, he just wasn't born yet. 

I also wanted to add a full disclosure that yesterday's post about how I spent my Mother's Day and what not is not meant to be judgmental. If you didn't have to cook dinner, if you didn't have your kids with you because you took the day off from entertaining or doing things for other people, if you spent the whole day seeing mothers and mother in laws, whatever you did, I hope you enjoyed it. The Mommy Wars has gotten crazy and people are meant to feel guilty for their choice of feeding, sleeping, diapering, the list goes on. Is your child safe? Fed? Clothed? That is all that matters. As one of my close friends says, "You Do You". I just wanted to clarify that. There is no wrong way to eat a Reeses, or spend a Mother's Day.